i listen to your songs when i need to hear your voice.

i remember ages ago, when i was in tech, it was either year 9 or year 10, and i think i was lunch time becuase the classroom i was in was empty, and i was sawing a piece of mdf for god knows whatever i was attempting to put together. and i remember it so so clearly, when i was sawing this piece of wood, i got this incredible urge to put the saw through my left arm. and i just kept thinking about it and thinking about it wondering what it’d feel like and what’d happen after or even if i had the courage to do it becuase i was so so tired of being too scared to do things. and i was just standing there with this saw in my hand hovering inches over my forearm and then mr. lynn walks through the door so i jump out of my skin and drop the saw and the blade snapped right off. he made some sarcastic comment about women & tools and then walked back out again and i just stood there, then for a whole week afterwards i just kept thinking whether i would of done it or not if mr. lynn hadnt walked in. and i obsessed over it for about a month at whether or not this kind of thing was normal with kids our age until i eventually forgot about it. and up until now i’ve never really thought about it since, except when i was trying to trim my fringe before and i got that urge again when i was lifting the scissors up to my eye line and all i wanted to do was jam them into one of my sockets.

i dunno, i just felt like putting it down somewhere. but it just made me think about the things we remember and the things we forget, and whether its our own choice or it just happens. and all the things that have happend to us but we just dont have any idea about it because we’ve repressed it so far back into our own memories that the only way we could ever possibly hope to retrieve it again is through vast psychological examining and probing techniques. thing is, half the time the things we’ve repressed, we’ve repressed for a reason.

my dear, we’re slow dancing in a burning room.

back and fourth back and fourth.

I decided to revive this blog becuase, despite having written alot of stuff i’m not particularly proud of  on here, way back when, i personally feel there’s quite a bit of decent nonsense on here too, and sometimes i think it’s good to reflect on the people we where in the past, compared to the people we are at present. So here i am, a new post on an old blog.

Although i’m not a huge fan of living in the past, i’d like to say, or type, whatever, a few things before moving onto the point of this new post. For starters, i think its now safe to be able to reveal ‘Boy A’ as Stephen, who, if anyone is wondering, i did end being ‘like together together’ with, and did, in the end, turn out to be a bit of a prick. I know if anyone ever did read this, that being a close friend of mine, they might of assumed it was written about someone else (of course i’m referring to the unnecessarily long post where i literally became a complete girl & unleashed all my terrifying teenaged girl feelings onto one tiny corner of the inter web within the space of 4ish hours), but alas, it was not. it was about a boy named Stephen, & i suppose the only reason i’m not hiding behind any ridiculous ‘codenames’ anymore is because i’m tired of it. People aren;t honest enough these days, to themselves or others. They dont say what they want to and it does my head in. I’ll admit i’m abit of a hypocrite on that front too but only with big stuff, i dont pussy-foot around the stupid stuff though. Yknow, say if someone was being a massive twat, i’d tell them, i wouldnt go complain about them to somebody else.

anyway i’m digressing, Another thing i want to say is that i’m not ashamed of what i wrote about stephen, becuase at the time it as all very true. I can’t even say it wasn’t worth it either, and i dont see the point in saying that i regret it or wish i could take it back, becuase i dont, and even if i could i probably wouldnt, thing is, it lead to alot of things, which then lead onto aload of other stuff, and truth be told, alot of stuff made me who i am today. And even if i wish it could of happened in an easier way, i’m grateful for it. becuase im fucking awesome.

nah really though, it’s true. i’m a massive believer in everything happens for a reason, and alot of the hard stuff that happens to us is just to help us to learn and become stronger people, which they have, and i am. And maybe he’ll read this and feel like a massive douchebag, and maybe he just wont be arsed. Either way he knows it’s here.

‘Boy S’ on the other hand, or whatever i decided to call him in the end, well i’m not going to waste alot of time talking about him becuase truth be told we’re still good pals, and he’s just as sound as i said he was, and everything was great, but then he moved away. And i know im contradicting myself by still using his gay codename but i dont really think its necessary to know his name. He knows who he is anyway

anyway anyway anyway, all this does have a point, becuase it sort of leads onto what i wanted this post to be about. yes thats right, a big moody post about relationships.

nah, i dont really know what category this would come under tbh, i suppose we’ll see at the end eh?

i’m gonna start it off by saying i like being in a relationship. i’ve never been a massive fan of going out to town and necking random people. i’ll do it, becuase lets face it, its the teenage way, but it doesnt mean i necessarily enjoy it. it just seems pointless to me, like, the only reason we do stuff like that is to prove to ourselves that we can pull if we wanted to, even if it is just some randomer. But to me that just seems massively insecure of us to do.

Fair enough, not including my last relationship (fairly short, but still good), my two before that weren;t really the best, but they DID have their moments, and i remember being happy a fair few times while in them, so i’m going to focus on that more so than the negative points. Anyway, i’ve always said that, if given the opportunity to go out to town all dolled up to get smash and neck loads of randomers, or sit in watching some god awful dvd (or a disney classic) with someone i liked, i’d probably almost always choose the latter. if latter means the last one that is (i can never remember). Of course i’d also choose a dvd night with the girls too if that was an option, but y’know, theres only so much oestrogen you can take in one room at a time.

just kidding  slags, you know i love you all very much.

but yeah, relationships good, necking people, not nessesarily bad, but theres only so much i can take.

another thing i find, especially with our generation, or age group, is that some of those who are in a relationship, can long for the freedom to go out and neck whoever they like. but once it happens, and you get the chance to, you lose interest and wish you were back in a relationship.

i definitely went through that phase a couple of years ago, painful as. but needless to say, it happens.

anyway i’m going to go asleep now becuase my lips are practically down by my chin.

it isnt as if there is a high demand for my posts, so i’ll continue this on the morrow.

april 13th, 2010, feckin’ scary that.

and i ain’t missin’ you at all

since you’ve been gone away.

Alright so it’s been a very long time since the last post, a whole summer, infact, a lot has happened, and i never addedto the previous blog about Boy A.

This is kind of relevant to the reason i’m post this new post, i suppose. As soon as i opened up WordPress, Tyler Hilton’s cover of ‘Missing You’ started playing on Spotify, and it made me smile sort of, becuase, in retro-spect, there couldn;t be a more perfect song for me to use as a title to this post.

i’m not sure how much of that made sense seeing as it’s 1:44 am in the morning but there we go.

Anyhow, in my last post, i,well i was talking out to Boy A i suppose. i can;t remember what i said exactly (i said A LOT) but if i remember correctly i mentioned something about getting him out of my system. or something.

well folks (that is the folks who know about the exsistence of this blog, i.e. no one) prepared to be shocked and amazed and astounded as i have become at the realisation of what i’m about to tell you;

you ready?

are you sure?

it really is quite shocking you know.

okay okay

well

i think, it may actually be possible, that, well, that is to say, haha, well i suppose, well,

the time in which i finally rid Boy A OF my system, well, i actually think it’s happend.

…i know, right?

i mean, not like, COMPLETELY. i mean like i still see him as a mate and everything, but truth be told i havent actually really spoke to him in about a month, i saw him wonce a few weeks back but it was very brief and although i felt the urge to see him a little bit more i kind of just, got over it suprisingly quickly.

i mean theres still a slight pang when i happen to scroll through old texts and that, or see my silly little red notebook which i really should put away but leave it on my bedroom floor, but aside from that, i hardly ever think about him, not to the extremes i used to anyway, and it doesnt really bother me that much that we havent spoken.

but how? you may be thinking. why the sudden change of heart? what could of possibly happend to bring this on so suddenly and maturely?

Well my avid pals, lets just call him Boy S or Boy L, i haven’t decided yet. or even Boy B. But i cant remember if i already mentioned a Boy B, cause if i did it wont of been this one. so y’know. ANYWAY the most important thing is that it is not Boy A.

Boy S, well, for starters he actually seems to want to talk to me. I never worry that he’ll have one up over me if i text him becuase i know he’ll textme back, he makes me laugh like, well like 2 laughing things on laughing tablets. Decent taste in music, very talented musician on quite a few instruments, including the PIANO (L) and his family seem souuuund as etc etc. There’s a lot more but i kinda just wanna get this final point across and getto bed cause theres Mathew Street tomorrow.  mmmmm

But yeah, the irony to all this? I kinda met Boy S through Boy A. Crazy huh? He seems to know a few people i do already, including my own paradox male opposite from last summer.

So yeah, so-long Boy A, i suppose for now there’s not really much left to say to you except ‘thanks for the memories’

…even though they really weren’t that great.

written at a reststop

so it’s gone around and around in my head what i might say to you if i ever (heaven forbid) grew balls substancially-sized enough to tell you what i’ve wanted to say to you for months. i’ve written letters, which i’ve never finished, i’ve had conversations in my head, which would always lose their meaning half way, and i’ve tried drawing pictures that i’d always think to show you, but instead i find myself locking them away in the farthest depths of my little red notebook instead, or even worse, losing insterest while sketching them out. sometimes i only get as far as a mere pencil line becuase i think, whats the point? like you’ll ever see these things anyway. I’ve written halves of songs, well, tell a lie i did finish one once, and i got as far as posting the lyrics on the internet too, but i took them down shortly afterwards; they didnt have much meaning without the melody to go along with it. i’ve also opened up numerous amounts of word documents, typing out a bunch of useless words and, yep, you guessed it, losing interest once more. i think the problem is, if i did ever have the chance, i really dont know what id say to you, most probably becuase i dont know what i want from you. im not even sure how you make me feel. Not like it’d make a difference even if i did, what? like you’d some day make it onto my laptop, wander around a few files, just HAPPEN to click on one of those documents filled with my words for you? unlikely. And even if you did, would you even realise those words where for YOU? i doubt it.

Even if they did, i’d probably just lie and tell you it was for whoever’s name came to my head first. Or for a book i’m trying to write. ha.

So i thought, hey, i tried everything else, why not try a blog that nobody but me reads? you see, it’s almost a perfect situation; it’s out there,it’s live, it’s available for pretty much anyone connected to the world wide web to view, and yet it’s like my own secret little corner of the internet. Although the chances are slim, you could still one day stumble across this humble blog and see this. it might even makle you think a little.  And it is this notion, that maybe, just maybe might inspite me to finish all the words i want you to hear. or read, whatever.

i think my main problem is that i hate the thought of people having one over on me. like, i think, if i told you how i truly felt about you, you’d get a massive ego, and act all pompous or take the mick out of me. Or you’d make it awkward, or i’d think you where making it awkward, and i would avoid you at any cost. which i think would be sad, but would you really be that bothered?

sometimes i wish i was like jacob. i wish i could walk up to you and go HEY, I LIKE YOU and just not be bothered about what you’d think or say about it. For a few months i watched and listend to you talk about all these different girls and it never really bothered me, i didn;t really know you that well in all honesty, maybe that was it, i dont know, but it didnt. Infact, it still doesnt really, i wasnt really that bothered that you had a girlfriend, which confused me a great deal. Surely i should of been a little? Anyway, i guess it was only recently that i started to wonder why i’d never been part of your circle. Again, not particularly bothered, just wondered.

there’s probably alot more that could be put there but i thin i just want to jump straight into what i would say to you if i was ever in that situation (as i have imagined myself in a couple of times before) ever came upon us. And each time i’d always start off with how much i think about you.

i think about you pretty much all the time. Not every second of everyday, but sometimes i think i come quite close to that. the most prominent time i thought of you that sticks out of my mind was when i was in the dentist getting a filling. there i was, kicking back in that big ole’ chair, while a lady in a white lab coat white a huge frig-off drill hovering around my gums was drilling away inside my mouth, momentarily being unable to swallow for what felt like 3 million years, and all i could think of was you. I don;t even know if i was thinking about something in particular, i just remember it being about you. Why? your guess is probably as good as mine.

it’s funny, i can already feel myself losing insterest in this. which makes me wonder, do i love you? or is this just something i feel i need to do in order to stop this obsession. Like, i need to get you out of my system in order to help me move on.  Sometimes when you’re online i really don;t feel like talking to you, i justlike knowing that you’re online. thats not normal, right? i like it when i see youre friends online becuase to me it means you surely can’t be out, so there’s a chance you could be coming online. Sad, right?

The worst thing is i dont even know why i feel the way i do. whatever that might be. I dont particularly find you a riverting conversationalist. Infact sometimes when i speak to you it feels like im just saying stuff for conversation sake, and you’re just not really that into it. You never really have much interesting stuff to say, and you talk about yourself alot. You dont really give appropriate responses to things and most of the time there seems to be quite long pauses in our conversations, unless you’re talking about a girl, in which i’ll try to give fairly decent answers, but find it hard not to wander onto different conversations becuase, to be fair, i am bored of it. it’s like a constant cycle with you. Same words, differnt girl. Like i said, it doesnt bother me. it just bores me.

Haha i guess this has sort of adopted a different tone. Now it seems more like i’m trying to justify my liking for you to myself than to actually tell you how i feel. Funny how that can happen. But im not getting at you, i dont think. I think it just really want you to understand this.

Which is ironic becuase im not even sure i understand this.

BAHHHHHHHHH.

okay back on track. So yeah, you’re not exactly the most riveting person to talk to most of the time. But then, you’ll say something, on the odd occassion, and it will take me back to that place once again. The place where all i do is think about me and you being together, like, together together. The place of hope (evidently false hope, but hope never the less) and then the cycle of ‘obsessing’ will start all over again. its loads of laughs, i can tell you that.

I’d like to say that it was through lack of having anyone else to obsess over, but in heinsight, i think this may only be half true. There have been others, oh boy have there been others. There was this one guy the other night, a taxi driver, would you believe, and although i was quite drunk at the time, i knew we were connecting quite well. we liked all the same tv shows and had a similar sense of humour. not to mention he didnt score so poorly in the looks department either. But somewhere between getting his number and having my tongue down his throat (romantic, i know) i vaguely remember thinking; “it’s not you“. of course, i thought your name at the time, but be damnned if i’ll be THAT open on this blog.

And you know very well there was this other guy. I brought him up alot and i could tell it sort of got on your nerves, even if just a teeny weeny bit, but i still enjoyed it. Besides, i think you know very well you do it purposely to me sometimes too. i’d bet my life on it.

But i’ve done that alot. I’ve imagined saying this to you, quite a bit, since i thought of it while folding towels in work. Becuase it’s something i do, and have done, from a fairly young age. In order to get over someone, i go out with someone else. Funnily enough, it never ends pleasently, and most times it gets me into trouble. Well, i dont particularly want to go through that my entire life.  But i doubt this one will be the exception. Not this time anyway.

I wonder, maybe just writing this will be enough. I can go days without talking to you, and it doesnt particularly bother me. Although i will admit i do sometimes check my phone to see if youve text me. An yes, sometimes i small part of me is disappointed if you havent. But i think thats an occurance for a lot of teenage girls most of time.

Another problem of mine then, i guess, is the fact i have to be friends with a person before i can like them like them, which is why i very rarely try and get off with anyone in town, unless i’m by chance, drunk enough to do so. But this is a psychological fact, and i think its quite hard to channge something thats psychologically imprinted into you. Maybe thats why i didnt really like you that much when i was first getting to know you. But i remember alot of people saying bad stuff about you, and i had somehow missed all that, becuase is started talking to you alot later than everyone else.  Maybe thats why you felt compelled to speak to me in the first place; becuase i was the only one who would.

You don;t really seem that interested in stuff ihave to say either. unless it’s something sexual. i dont know if ive already said that, but i thought i’d throw that in.

I cant actually remember when it was i started thinking about you in that way either. I think sometimes i make you out in my mind to be a better person than you actually are in reality. Girls tend to do that sometimes. We live in a dream world, but when faced with issues such as this, what else can we do?

Alright so you’re smile. you’re wonderful wonderful smile. Sometimes i think you could do the worse thing ever (and you’ve pissed me off something bad sometimes, even if you were aware of it or not) and all you’d need to do is smile at me and i’d forgive you. I think it could possibly be most deadliest weapon. If not, then it’s definetley a close call between that and you’re beautiful, beautiful eyes. A problem of yours, then; you’re not exactly unattractive, and you know it.

Sometimes i just want to write your name EVERYWHERE. over and over and over again. I’ve written on myself a few times before, but i wont say where. It’s usually the same little doodle though.

When i go away i think about you, and i miss you for a little while. but then after a couple of days, and i dont hear from you, it doesnt really bother me. Sometimes i get a alittle angry when you dont get in touch with me or whatever, or i text you and you dont reply, becuase then i feel like an idiot, so i say to myself, well, im not going to talk to him next time he tries to talk to me. But that hardly ever works. You’ll text me with something really random and i’ll have ti smile and text you back. or even worse, you’ll ring me, and i’ll have to answer.

I think the worst thing about this whole situation though, apart from not really knowing what type of situation it is, if the fact that i dislike mySELF for being in it. Becuase i KNOW what you’re like. And when i think that 60% of the things you say you say just to get a desired reaction out of me it riles me so much becuase a HATE myself for taking any of it seriosuly or even for a SECOND thinking that, hey, maybe he actually means this. And then getting slightly thrilled by the prospect. Especailly after thinking about how stupid all these girls you had in your little cycle were for taking you seriously. and then i hate YOU for making me hate myself. Sometimes i wonder if you’re even that good a friend, or whether i’m just sticking around becuase i just live in hope that one day you may see me in a different way. I don;t particularly think you see me as just another girl you’d consider to boost your ego with, i do think you see me as a friend too, but i don;t know, maybe i should stop going down this path before i say something for the sake of saying it, not becuase i truly believe it.

I writer about you alot in my notebook. I dont use your name but i write down songs lyrics or quotes i think of myself about you in thick black pen. some arpositive and some aren’t.

Well isn’t this just the biggest blog on the history of the world ever. 2307 word count at the moment. that’s longer than my english coursework last year.

I try to imagine what it’d be like if we did eventually stop talking and then did go our seperate ways. It upsets me a little but i dont think it’d be UNBEARABLE. That sounds horrid i know, but i think thats mainly becuase everytime i picture that scenerio, i always see us bumping into each other years later, and it happening all over again. Of course, i dont think i would ever be able to just let you stop being in my life. Although sometimes i wish iwould be.

there was this one time that sticks out in my mind where you where my last thought before i went to sleep and my first thought when i woke up. but that doesn’t happen every day and every evening. Again, it confuses me alot when it happens.

All this stopping and and starting has sort of thrown me off a little. It’;s funny, i’ve just been doing some twist things and for some reason something came to my mind, one time, a long long while ago, you were with a girl, and just before you went to kiss her, i could of swore you looked up at me first. Now i dont know whether this has jus benn fabricated in that place i sometimes go to inside my head, or whether it actually happend. Im almost 97% sure that it did though. It’s craz, maybe i did like you a little bit back then afterall. I suppose im having a bit of difficulty believeing that you couldnt possibly not like me in that way, if only a little bit. That sounds egotistic, yes, but could you honestly say you’d believe me if i told you i only saw you as a friend (assuming you wouldn’t of seen this beforehand).

I keep going to type your name and have to stop myself. I really like your name though. It;s almost one o’clok in the morning and i have a full day of school tomorrow, so i think i might wrap this up soon.

I think for now i’d like to end on how i often think of what it’d be like if we really did ever ‘go out’ go out. Sometimes i think it’d be brilliant. Like i’d have pretty much everything i wanted. But then other times i think i over romaticise it and it actually wouldnt live up to expectations and i wouldn’t enjoy it as much as i thought i might and it’s turn out to be quite un pleasent and awkward. I’d hate that, i truly would. But i think if that did ever happen we’;d still able to be friends. It might take a while, but i think we could eventually. More than anything i think it’s just what i NEED if i am to ever get over this. Becuase i DO want to get over this. Especially if is never going to lead anywhere. But theres the ironic thing right there; in order for me to get over it, it’d have to lead somewhere first, and the only reason id want to get over it is if it wouldnt lead anywhere. Am i really doomed to to feel this way forever? Or at least until i get ot art college? I really dont know if i can handle it.

Thinking back over some of the stuff ive said i really cant tell if ive written certain stuff becuase i truly feel it, or becuase ive been caught up in the moment and fancy myself in some sort of One Tree Hill love plot. I do like you, theres no doubt about that, i can never wait to see you, and ill admit i do make a bit more of an effort if i know you’re going to be somewhere. Sometimes i wish i would have someone to make you jealous. Like crazy jelous. But for that to happen thered have to be feelings there to feel jealous about. And i’m pretty sure you had them once, however these days i cant relly tell. maybe thats whats driving me so insane all of the time. maybe if you told me you liked me back i wouldnt be that interested anymore. but maybe not.

3000 words, thats incredible. i think i’ll round this off now, whetger or not i;ll think of anything to add to it on a later date, who knows?  i more thsn likely will though. I suppose it’s up to you whether it’ll be  positive thought, or a negative thought.

Ha, 1436 songs on my Sansa, and out of them all, as i finish this off, Beauty & the Beast comes on. a sign? maybe.

I hope i don;t dream of you tonight, i cant afford to start my day off badl tomorrow.

Happy April Fools.

Tuesday, March 31st, 2009

another wasted day.

N.B.

I’d like to just make a belated post scriptum for my latest entry. I naivley spoke of the notion “Out of sight, Out of mind” and considered this to be a positive sign that maybe,  just maybe, i’ll get over this incessent fascination i have (over whom by now i’m sure don’t need to tell you) in due time, becuase of the fact that i had forgotten about music i used to loved listening to once i stopped using my computer, thus stopped listening to the music too, and then consequently,  eventually forgetting about it.

But after thinking through this further, and the realisation that, yes, i did forget about the music for a few years, and i moved on and started listening to new music,  leaving the old music in the past, collecting dust, but now that the old music is back in my life,  i love it even more than i did back when i used to listen to it when i was 14, 15.

But the significant question is; can a love for music really be applied toa love for an actual person? Does is really work like that? If you love a song so much that you listen to it over and over and over again and then get sick of it, as you don’t listen to it for ages, and then one day you hear it over the radio or whatever, and you fall in love with it all over again, can this emotion really  be applied to the emotion we feel for other people? Or is this merelry the imagination of a teenage girl with a tendancy to over-think even the most minute details in life and who’s desperatley looking for a reason to let go? or even worse, looking for a reason to hold on?

After all;  sometimes a cigar, is just a cigar.

Forever Young

Okay so once again I have left quite a sizeable gap between this entry and my last. and once again, alot has gone on, which i doubt i’ll write about.

Although I will say this, drinking wrecklessly when you are completely fired up and are carrying alot of issues around with you that are intensley bubbling underneath the surface will never ever be a good thing, nor will it ever ever lead to any sort of decent out come. Nobody will win. Everybody loses.

There’s always something in theway, there’s always something getting through, and it’s not me, it’s you.

I’m currently sat in a class filled with a bunch of stupid kids who claim to be in year 11 but i know they’re from year 8 or something equally juvenille. If not, and the fact isthey aretruly from year 11, i really really do worry for their futures.

I was never like that. We were never ever like this.

I got a new mp3 player and put loads of music from my old computer onto it (as evidently someone has clearly ran off with my laptop) and all these forgotten songs i loved when i was 14, 15, and it really does take me back. But it also makes me think; out of sight (in this case, hearing) truly does mean out of mind.

Maybe there’s hope for me yet. Maybe.

I can’t believe it’s April tomorrow.

It’s something unpredictable

but in the end it’s right

i hope you had the time of your life.

 

so i had a bad day yesterday.

and i havent been on this thing becuase i haven’t had a laptop but now i’m in school and it’s 4 o’clock and vocal group was cancelled so i’m sitting around waiting to go see my best friend with whom i’m not too sure i want to be best friends with anymore.

i was drinking today in school, and im not saying that for attention, it’s just a fact, i just did it. (FYI, i wish ihadn’t, because now i’m finding it increasingly difficult to keep my eyes open)

i have to be back here for quarter to 6 for a governers meeting, but what’s the point? like the opinion of two 18 year old girls will matter.

Right now ‘The Heart Never Lies’ is playing on my ZEN and it’s such a beautiful song but most of the time i cannot be bothered to listen to it. the sun is shining and its very warm and i’m head to toe in black.

 

I’m slowly beginning to get over my obsession with Boy A. maybe if i write this enough times, it will happen alot quicker.

 

 

 

i really am in love with lucas scott.

Lent

Dear Our Lord Jesus,

for lent, i have decided to give up being screwed over. So if you could kindly lend me a hand and send me a boy who can make up his damn mind and stop thinking with his penis and being a general knob head i would be eternally grateful.

Thanking you kindly,

Your faithful servant, Girl A

P.s. sorry i have not been in church for a while but i find i benefit more from a few extra hours sleep. And/or i have to graft in Debenhams. Again, if you could also do something about this, that would be excellent. Cheers.

You even disappoint me in my dreams.

I had inspiration to make this post but i’ve all of a sudden lost it.

besides, i actually quite feel like doing some tech work.

…

 

 

what?

 

 

 

i’ll edit this later if opportunity arises.

not that it matters becuase i’m the only one who reads this anyway.

which is what i think i like best about it