i remember ages ago, when i was in tech, it was either year 9 or year 10, and i think i was lunch time becuase the classroom i was in was empty, and i was sawing a piece of mdf for god knows whatever i was attempting to put together. and i remember it so so clearly, when i was sawing this piece of wood, i got this incredible urge to put the saw through my left arm. and i just kept thinking about it and thinking about it wondering what it’d feel like and what’d happen after or even if i had the courage to do it becuase i was so so tired of being too scared to do things. and i was just standing there with this saw in my hand hovering inches over my forearm and then mr. lynn walks through the door so i jump out of my skin and drop the saw and the blade snapped right off. he made some sarcastic comment about women & tools and then walked back out again and i just stood there, then for a whole week afterwards i just kept thinking whether i would of done it or not if mr. lynn hadnt walked in. and i obsessed over it for about a month at whether or not this kind of thing was normal with kids our age until i eventually forgot about it. and up until now i’ve never really thought about it since, except when i was trying to trim my fringe before and i got that urge again when i was lifting the scissors up to my eye line and all i wanted to do was jam them into one of my sockets.
i dunno, i just felt like putting it down somewhere. but it just made me think about the things we remember and the things we forget, and whether its our own choice or it just happens. and all the things that have happend to us but we just dont have any idea about it because we’ve repressed it so far back into our own memories that the only way we could ever possibly hope to retrieve it again is through vast psychological examining and probing techniques. thing is, half the time the things we’ve repressed, we’ve repressed for a reason.
